Welcome aboard OJ

There is this aphorism in Human Resource Management that everybody is equal to his job. What this means is that if you employ a Driver and make him a Manager, one of two things will happen to the job. Either he will bring the office of Manager to his level as a Driver or he will rise from his level as a Driver and become a Manager. In practical terms it is easier for the former to happen so in most cases this is what happens.

A classic example of a Driver bringing the Manager’s job to his level is what happened to the Bayelsa State Civil Service in the last six years. The leadership of the State Civil Service was so inefficient and notoriously corrupt that the Office operated like an auctioneer at work. Everything was available to anybody if you had the asking price either in cash or in kind. Records could be accessed and changed at will. During the recently concluded Biometrics exercise it is reported that 4000 ghost workers were discovered but what nobody is saying is that more than 5000 people also found jobs dating back to 2004!

It is against this background that MatrinexPolls welcomes Rev. O.J. Oworibo to the beat as the Head of the Civil Service of Bayelsa State. Even though he is allegedly a cousin of the Governor from the same Okpoma community, that does not take anything away from the fact that Rev. Oworibo is a seasoned bureaucrat having served in several capacities in the State Civil Service. He is the most exposed, travelled and experienced of all the available Permanent Secretaries!

The task of restoring credibility to the State Civil Service after several years of high level corruption and decadence is, to say the least, daunting. First and foremost Bayelsans would like to know the exact number of workers who should be on the Government’s payroll. A situation where a State less than a fifth the size of Delta State pays nearly the same wage bill monthly is unacceptable. The last Biometrics exercise was a waste of taxpayers’ money because it did not solve the problem. If anything, it created more problems because while the exercise lasted, the top echelon of the Civil Service seized the opportunity to recruit more workers. Fresh letters of employment backdated to 2004 or earlier were openly on sale for anything between N10,000.00 to N30,000.00. It was therefore a case of one out, two in. The spectre of goal-post shifting when it comes to retirements should be stamped out. People should retire as and when due – with dignity! Training and re-training of Civil Servants should no longer be treated with levity as happened with the IT training where everybody was “trained” but nobody was taught.

So welcome aboard Rev. O.J. Oworibo. A new broom, they say, sweeps clean so everybody is watching to see what will happen in the next 30 days hoping that it is not a case of more of the same.

Tata, everybody

Napoleon

Nigerian Terror Suspect - Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab

It is often said that out of every five black people in the world, one is a Nigerian. So it is no surprise that for a country that makes news for all the wrong reasons, we now have a terror suspect allegedly with connections to Al Qaeda.

It would be inappropriate at this point to speculate on the circumstances leading to the radicalization of Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab since authorities both in Nigeria and the United States are currently investigating. However, it would not be out of place to point out that this is a young man whose father reportedly complained to the American Embassy that he was no longer comfortable with his son’s activities. He was reportedly on the American Watch List but somehow managed to slip through airport security. It is troubling.

For us in the Niger Delta region of Nigeria, it is little comfort that Umar is not just a home-grown “militant” operating in the creeks but an international figure with Al Qaeda ties. Unfortunately what appears to be an isolated incident may just make travel conditions a lot more difficult for a lot of innocent travelling Nigerians on legitimate business and leisure journeys.

MatrinexPolls wishes to commend The Federal Government of Nigeria for taking prompt action to unravel everything that needs to be known about the ugly incident. It is our hope that it is an isolated incident except that anybody who gains access to PETN cannot be a lone ranger. We have enough ugly scars already without adding this avoidable stigma.

Tata, everybody

Napoleon

Climate change

Nathan Myhrvold is not a name you come across every day. Anybody who obtained a Doctorate degree at age 24 and served as Chief Technical Officer for Microsoft for 14 years before setting up his own business cannot be a joker. That is Nathan Myhrvold’s resume.

Just when the dust was beginning to settle down after the Copenhagen Climate Summit, arguably with “meaningful agreement”, Nathan Myhrvold literally throws up this novel solution to climate change which has sent professional cynics and doubting Thomases alike scampering for cover. Members of the scientific community are wondering out aloud what to make of this apparent huge joke except that the joker is a serious minded non-joker! For us in the Niger Delta region of Nigeria, any news about climate change is big news. The gas that is being flared 24/7 from thousands of oil wells in the Niger Delta region must be contributing immensely to global warming.

Dr. Myhrvold believes that the Carbon Dioxide emissions that have settled in the stratosphere, and probably will stay there for thousands of years, can be removed if we pump Sulphur Dioxide into the stratosphere to neutralize it. When asked how this would be achieved, he suggested that a 25 kilometre long hose would do the trick. Smart kid – perhaps too smart by half! What he failed to tell us is what will happen if the resident Carbon Dioxide reacts with the visiting Sulphur Dioxide in the stratosphere. If ordinary Carbon Dioxide can heat up mother earth the way we are made to believe, where is the guarantee that the product of the combination of Carbon Dioxide and Sulphur Dioxide will not roast all of us alive?

The truth of the matter is that we just do not know enough about the workings of the universe. What we think we know is merely scratching the surface. So tinkering with apparently crazy ideas like this will not solve any of the problems associated with mother nature. Those who think they know should tell us why and how we now have unprecedented levels of snowfall in Europe after all the hue and cry about global warming? Does excessive heat produce excessive snowfall?
The universe has built-in self-regulatory mechanisms unknown to man so we should stop interfering with nature in the name of Science and Technology.

Tata, everybody

Napoleon

Re-defining Marriage

Change, they say, is the only constant in life. So people change everything from names to appearances and everything in between everyday and no questions are asked. But recent attempts by some people to change the definition of marriage in some parts of the world takes the icing!

Some people have decided that the age-old definition of marriage as a union between a “man and a woman” is no longer appropriate because it leaves out those of them with a special sexual orientation. They have struggled, with some degree of success, to re-define marriage as a union “between two people”. No problem.

My only grouse in this matter is that most of those involved in this so-called “same-sex marriages” are those who have raised families in conventional marriages and do not require any more children. That leaves a sour taste in the mouth because these people want to eat their cake and still have it. If a man (or woman) prefers to marry another man (or woman) then the “woman” or “man” among them should be able to figure out how to carry a foetus for 9 months if they decide to have babies! The corollary here is that these same-sex marriages, of whatever permutation, are not intended to produce babies which is just as well because those of us in the age-old conventional marriages are over-populating the world with our activities.

My unsolicited advise to all those Churches which condone same-sex marriages is that any couple above the age of 25 should not be “united”. If same-sex marriage is such a beautiful union, then why wait till you are 55 when you would have had all the children you require in life?

Tata, everybody

Napoleon

My Christmas Message

This message is specially dedicated to the estimated 800 million people worldwide who went to bed hungry last night. This figure includes an estimated 4 million kids in the Niger Delta region of Nigeria. On a day like this what can you tell a toddler who goes to bed without food in his stomach in the midst of an apparent plenty! The matter is further complicated by the fact that these kids will never understand. How can a four-year old understand why there is no food in the house?

No kid in Nigeria deserves to be hungry. God so endowed this country that everything grows in abundance in Nigeria. Every inch of Nigerian soil is suitable for something from the wetlands of the Niger Delta to the plateau of the Middle Belt and everywhere in between. I can understand kids going to bed hungry in Ethiopia or Somalia. The only reason Nigerians are hungry is lack of political will and good governance.

So on this anniversary of the birth of our Lord and saviour, my message to Nigerian kids is very simple: nothing lasts forever – certainly not bad governance.

Tata, everybody

Napoleon

The Drones are coming

If you were born too late to be part of the Biafran experience in the mid sixties, I am sorry for you because you don’t know what you missed. Those of us in the heat of it all still recollect how we ran into “bomb shelters” when prompted to do so. For those who survived, it was fun except that it was fun that was not funny. All I know is that it is the memory of those 30 months of controlled madness that has kept project Nigeria in one piece till date.

So when we are told by the Americans that the next World War will be fought in the comfort of the four walls of the Pentagon, no one is amused. War Technology (the art of killing) has reached a level where unmanned aerial vehicles (UAVs) now replace Fighter Planes with Fighter Pilots in actual combat. These drones (I believe that is what they call them) are remotely controlled from bases in the USA and sent to take out targets in far off Afghanistan with pin point precision. The import of this development is that there will be neither room nor time to run into any form of shelter when these drones come calling. If you perform a miracle by bringing down any of these drones, what you will find inside is nothing – sweet nothing except a bag of charred metal and junk of cables you may not find useful!

The prospects of fighting a Third World War are therefore frightening, to say the least. Over and above the Nuclear Arsenals which countries are amassing that are enough to wipe out our entire planet ten times over, there is now this new introduction into the killing mix – Drones reportedly capable of travelling several thousand miles to take out targets and return to base unmanned. My only consolation is that so far, it does not appear to be confined to one country alone. The Russians are developing them; the Chinese are reportedly in the race while Japan has their fair share in the mould so may be someday we may be able to develop our own Nigerian drones – Insha Allah. That is why I personally believe that the Third World War, as and when it comes, will be fought – won and lost by all – within 30 minutes! The only difference will be that there will be no one to tell the story. Just as well too because War Historians have a way of telling lies knowing fully well that you have no way of checking the veracity of most of the details!

Tata, everybody

Napoleon

Echoes from Copenhagen

In addition to winning the Nobel Peace Prize in anticipation of what he is expected to do and not what he has actually done, Barack Obama, the 47th President of the United States of America will enter the Guinness Book of Records as the most articulate tenant of the White House. So when he speaks, everybody listens even when he has nothing new to say.

For the umpteenth time, Barack Obama told the world in Copenhagen that the US is investing “huge resources” in developing renewable and cleaner sources of energy in order to reduce America’s near total dependence on imported oil! What this means in practical terms is that in another 5-10 years, crude oil will be obsolete! Those of us who think the financial jamboree will last forever should begin to think of Nigeria without Crude Oil!

When the demand for crude oil eventually drops to a level that their own production level can sustain, our crude oil will be “too dirty” for their requirements – their new found twenty second century technology! I hope I’ll be around then because I will hate to be somewhere else (hell or heaven) when our Leaders will be looking for money to fund their multi-billion Naira projects in other parts of the country when the Niger Delta region has no roads, no electricity, no portable water, no schools, no nothing!

God help me see that day!

Tata, everybody

Napoleon

The President’s health

There are a lot of things ordinary folks like me don’t understand. I guess that’s understandable because that is what makes me ordinary. I do not, for instance, understand what all the fuss is about the present medical condition of the President. A President of a country like Nigeria suffers from ordinary pericarditis and there are calls all over the place for him to resign. How preposterous! If all those who fall ill in office were to resign how many people would be on their jobs today? How many of us have not had one form of ailment or the other in the last twelve months? All these pot-bellied “big men” with 200/140 BP, how many of them have resigned from their jobs?

Those who cite the Constitutional provision for a President – or Vice President - vacating his office do not appear to have read the Constitution properly. The Constitution requires the President to vacate his office in the event of a permanent inability (emphasis mine) to carry on the functions of his office. Is pericarditis a form of permanent disability? When IBB had radiculopathy, who asked him to resign?

My problem, however, with the President is that he prefers to be flown to all sorts of places even when he gets a minor headache thus creating room for all sorts of rumours and speculation about his health. When next Mr. President falls ill (no matter the ailment) he should be rushed to the nearest hospital. He should either recover or die there. That way everybody in position of authority in this my country will know that those hospitals (of whatever description) did not drop from heaven. They were put together by serious minded people with tax payers’ money! How many foreign Presidents have been rushed to Nigeria to be treated?

My advise to Nigerians is that Presidents are, after all, human and do fall sick but when they do, they should be rushed to the best facility they have provided and be allowed to either die or recover there. A President who ignores the health of his people does not deserve to survive in another country while Nigerians die in their millions every day due to preventable and curable diseases.

Tata, everybody

Napoleon

South Africa 2010

This “for better, for worse” vow between Nigeria and Argentina is beginning to give me goose pimples. It does appear as if no matter how hard we try, we cannot avoid meeting Argentina in the preliminary stages of any world competition, be it at the U-17 level involving 30-year olds, or at the Super level involving spent forces. Not to worry, because the Argentines are more worried of us Nigerians as a team than we are scared of them – yes quote me! Greece, we can sleep well, South Korea we know their antidote but Argentina is a different ball game because when they enter the field they really appear to be more than 11 players! Maradona, their mercurial coach, is capable of slipping in and out of the pitch as the 12th player, if need be.

Having completed the draws last Friday, all of the other 31 countries have started making preparations for the real thing except Nigeria. I know my country well enough to know that preparations may not start until mid May 2010 when all other countries would have completed their assignments and gone on pre-match break. For once, could the authorities at the Glass House please help my BP by preparing early. All this debate about hiring Foreign Coach is unnecessary. Whether the coach is black, white or green is not the point.
The point is that our Super Eagles have a problem: the inability to utilize chances and score goals. You may do all the playing but if you don’t score goals you will not go beyond the preliminary rounds. You hear? You win matches by scoring goals even if you have to use your hands sometimes, like Thierry Henri! So, what to do?

First – hire a tactician to sharpen our strike force into a lethal fighting machine. Anybody who has the ability to do this should be hired immediately without consideration as to where he comes from even if he is, again, from Modakeke, Brazil or an applicant from Holland. Football at this level is now big business so no amount paid by way of salaries or allowances should be considered too much. Second – find somebody, anybody, who can mould our midfield into an airtight mass of impenetrable concrete such that if you insist of penetrating you must have bruises to show your mother back home! Ask the Cameroonians how to go about it. If we have to hire Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger to come and handle body building, let’s do it.

Finally, all tacticians must work as a team and there should be no question of one man working on, over, under or beside the other – just a team with one goal – keeping the World Cup in Africa (Nigeria) for a change! Since it is now clear that the South Africans are not hosting to win but for commercial considerations, lets tell the world that we are participating to win. That Cup must not leave Africa and God bless our team!

Tata, everybody

Napoleon.

Echoes from China

A Diplomat is by definition and training someone who is an expert at speaking the truth, when absolutely necessary, in the least offensive way. They are trained, we have been told, to tell you to go to hell and you actually look forward to a jolly trip to hell, believing that coming from a Diplomat, hell must be a beautiful place to spend some time!

So when the Nigerian Ambassador to China tells the whole world and anybody willing to listen, sordid details of Nigerians and our involvement in criminal activities in China one begins to wonder what kind of training our Diplomats parade around the world. Coming at the heels of equally sordid revelations of tax payers money (solid money) being siphoned into paying school fees of non existing children of Diplomats, you can see my problem. Its not funny.

Mr. Ambassador believes, or thinks, that 90% of the crimes committed by “black people” in China are committed by Nigerians. The Chinese do not doctor their statistics, so I believe our Ambassador knows what he is talking about. What I do not understand in the circumstances is whether this is the language of a top Diplomat representing a country like Nigeria in the world’s most populous emerging superpower. I cannot think of any other analogy than a defence Lawyer telling the Judge details of the crime allegedly committed by his client. This is most absurd. This must be diplomacy forced to stand on its head! Which School of Diplomacy taught him that the best way to solve the problem of Nigerians and criminal activities is to tell the world that Nigerians are the only criminals in China?

Now that our Ambassador has abandoned all diplomatic finesse and descended to the gutter-bred language of ordinary mortals like us, may I suggest that the Ministry of Foreign Affairs should loan him Mr. President’s 747 to enable him bring back all Nigerians resident in China since he does not see any Nigerian there living crime-free and/or law-abiding? The Ambassador should be loaded in the cargo compartment of the plane in the return journey because he has betrayed his country and does not deserve to remain in China one minute longer. He should be deported with the “criminals” pronto. May be other Ambassadors in his mould will learn to live and earn their keep. Coconut head!

Tata, everybody

Napoleon

Life without MKO

For some strange reasons, I can’t seem to be able to forget Chief M.K.O. Abiola, the President Nigerians voted into office but never got into office. Small innocuous events bring back memories of MKO. Last week was one of such occasions!
I don’t know about you, but one of the reasons I voted for MKO was his promise to fight for reparations for African slaves who were sold into slavery centuries ago. Like everything MKO did, or did not do, there were indications that the Chief meant business. He had laid a solid foundation for the fight even before he became President that he never was. I knew he was going to succeed – or give a good fight - even if he failed! Just like my vote, Chief M.K.O. Abiola, died and was buried with that dream!

So when the British Government publicly rendered an unreserved apology to those children who were sent to Australia nearly five decades ago, I wept, not for those children but for MKO. I wept because those millions of African slaves got a rougher deal than the British children sent to Australia. I wept because the slave trade contributed in no small measure to the perpetual under-development of Africa. I believe that if he was allowed to be our President, African slaves and their descendants would have received more than an apology from those who had nothing better to do with their time and resources than buy and sell fellow human beings! Not to worry because the cosmic has a way of fighting for the hapless.

I am not complaining, but I sure miss MKO.

Tata, everybody

Napoleon

Celebrating 20 years without the Berlin Wall

Last week the world celebrated the 20th anniversary of the re-unification of the two Germanys into what is now a prosperous single Germany. It was a spectacle watching hundreds of thousands of huge dominoes fall one atop the other for miles and miles. For me, the significance of the celebration is not that the huge Berlin Wall was torn down twenty years ago but that there are several more Berlin Walls waiting to be removed.

The first of such walls waiting to be removed is the massive, albeit invisible, wall separating the two Koreas. For more than half a century, the two Koreas have lived side by side with family members marooned on either side. If the Berlin Wall was offensive, the Korean Wall is oppressive! Family members on either of the two Koreas cannot as much as communicate with each other, even though modern communication facilities have made communication a cinch! Somebody, somewhere should tell the authorities of North and South Korea that what they are doing is not fair!

Another Wall waiting to come down is the huge Wall dividing the Niger Delta region from the rest of Nigeria! If the Berlin Wall created an economic and social disparity between the East and West Germany, the Wall separating the Niger Delta from the rest of project Nigeria has effectively kept people in this area in the stone age! There is no part of Nigeria where you cannot drive your car except the Niger Delta. There is nowhere in Nigeria where the people use the same water for drinking, washing and everything else except in the Niger Delta region. There is no other place on earth where people still live in stilt houses except in the Niger Delta region. The Niger Delta is the only place on earth where developmental indices are so dismal that they are not included in the national statistics lest we will never meet the MDG’s even if we are given another one hundred years! This is a classical case of how not to treat the goose that lays the golden eggs!

The International Community who contributed immensely towards the erection of this invisible wall separating a set of people from their kith and kin in the hinterland should do something to tear down this wall. President Barack Obama, are you listening? Prime Minister Gordon Brown are you awake? Please tear down this wall!

Tata, everybody

Napoleon

Icebergs on the move

There is this popular saying that if Mohammed does not go to the mountain, the mountain goes to Mohammed. This is a classical case of the Mountain moving to Mohammed, except that in this case, huge icebergs are on the move to New Zealand. Just as well too.
For sometime now, those who know better have continually shouted their voices hoarse that the activities of the so-called civilized nations have caused an unbearable increase in the temperature of our once beautiful earth. Nobody listened. So those worst affected – icebergs – are on a peaceful demonstration, except that they are heading in the wrong direction. They should be heading for China, Japan and the US – in that order.
Who knows what else will soon be on the move? The way the globe is warning (or is it heating up) I won’t be surprised if some African killer bees decide to move from Africa to the West to inform them that their natural habitats have become unbearable to the extent that they can no longer produce any honey!
Wait until the icebergs are done!

Tata, everybody

Napoleon

Umaru Musa Yar’Adua the Hero?

For more than 50 years the Federal Government of Nigeria has taken the people of the Niger Delta region for a jolly ride. While resources from the region developed and sustained project Nigeria the area has been left stuck in the stone age. Roads could not be constructed because of problems associated with Mr. Difficult Terrain. Schools could not be sited here in the Niger Delta because Mr. Difficult Terrain refused to oblige – that is until now!

After nearly 30 months in office, President Umaru Musa Yar’Adua has finally acceded to the dictates of commonsense to do what needed to be done right from the beginning – put the development of the Niger Delta in the front burner! An estimated N200billion is reported to have been approved for the development of the area in addition to an unprecedented 10% shareholding being reserved for oil producing communities in the Niger Delta region. Now I remember what my mother told me several decades ago. If you must fight with anyone my son, please chose a talkative and avoid the non-talking type!

A note of warning for the Federal Government, lest I forget. In the last thirty years alone, I have lost count of how many laudable projects have been spoilt, as it were, in the process of execution. Care must be taken not to allow the notorious Nigerian factor highjack the laudable intentions of the Federal Government in the implementation process. That will be very sad in deed.

Now that the Federal Government is on the right path, could all the other collaborators in the project Nigeria who collectively made the Niger Delta what it is today, please wake up from their slumber? I am referring to the Multinational Oil Companies who wrecked so much ecological havoc on the area that the fisherman in the area is still groping for an alternative to the only skill he has. It is not enough to build infrastructure in the area and expect that Mr. Ijawman will be in a position to use the roads when he has no car.

Thank you Mr. President for saving Nigeria from disintegration. You are our hero!

Tata, everybody

Napoleon

Age Cheats

Watching these boys play football, one gets the impression that something is wrong somewhere. They neither play nor behave like 16 year olds. So no one is surprised at the allegations of over aged boys making the starting 11 of most of the competing teams. Some of them have even grown beards all over their faces.It is beginning to look like Politicians who cry foul when they are out-rigged!

Ordinarily, Adokiye Amiesimaka is a very patriotic Nigerian. He loves this country more than many of us. He played football at the highest level and made a name in the game. Today he is not a hungry man because he has a flourishing legal practice. So when someone like him bares his chest and informs the world that Nigerian U-17 Captain, Fortune Chukwudi played as an 18 year old seven years ago then something is very wrong somewhere. The implication is that Fortune is not just marginally over-aged at the U-17 pack but a 25 year old adult. I am not amused.

The reaction of the Nigerian Football authorities is that Fortune Chukwudi passed the prescribed age test, not once but twice! If there were no lingering doubts about his age (and size) why did he have to be subjected to the test twice? Not to worry. Since Fortune has a certified age test result over and above his birth certificate which indicates that he is under 17, why all the fuss? May be the authorities should email a copy of Fortune’s certificates to Adokiye for keeps. He sure may need them for his practice.

For now, Fortune Chukwudi is a legitimate U-17 Captain of the Nigerian Golden Eaglets at the brink of conquering the World, one more time, God willing.

Tata, everybody

Napoleon.

Post Amnesty – the Imo State perspective

It appears there are some Nigerians who still do not understand the problems of the Niger Delta region. A typical example is the case of the Speaker of the Imo State House of Assembly who cried out loud last week that Imo State should be given the same treatment as other Niger Delta States in the post Amnesty deal of the Federal Government of Nigeria.

Chief Goodluck Opiah, Speaker of the Imo State House of Assembly was reported to have told reporters at the Owerri Airport that Imo State should be treated like any other Niger Delta State because “we suffer the same ecological, economical and mental problems as the other States”. I couldn’t agree more with Chief Opiah. Who does not know that, pretty much like Bayelsa State, Imo State does not have a single kilometre of Federal Roads, no Federal Secretariat, no Higher Institution, no Airport – in fact not a single project belonging to the Federal Government.

It is very sad that people like Chief Opiah can confuse the developmental problems of the Niger Delta with the ecological problems caused by oil prospecting companies in the Niger Delta region. They are two different problems, Chief. The first is as a result of the deliberate neglect of the Niger Delta by successive governments resulting in the Niger Delta region looking like another country – stuck in the stone age as it were. The second is a necessary bye product of the activities of oil prospecting Multinationals operating in the area.

Now I know why the problem of the Niger Delta has been treated with kid gloves till date. Many Nigerians do not travel around the country so they cannot imagine what the Niger Delta looks like. Chief Opiah will do well to ask other Nigerians who have been to the heart of the Niger Delta – it is hell in heaven!

Tata, everybody

Napoleon

I am very sad

Today I am a very sad man. I am not sad because those who kidnapped Pa Soludo are asking for N500 million (in Dollars?) to return the old man. I am not sad because the Federal Government is performing the annual ritual of preparing to increase the pump price of petroleum products – just in time for Christmas. I am sad because nobody is doing anything about what is going to happen in this country in the months leading to, during and immediately after the general elections scheduled for 2011.

Ordinarily such mundane problem should not give me insomnia but in Nigeria the only ordinary thing is nothing. Armed with what we saw during the 2007 general elections, President Yar’adua agreed that something needed to be done about our electoral malfeasance. So he set up the Justice Uwais-led Electoral Reform Commission. The notoriously meticulous Justice Uwais and his co-eggheads have since submitted what even the blind can see as the way forward in Nigerian politics. It is what the Federal Government is doing – or not doing with the Reports – that has stolen my well-deserved sleep.

Are we going to face 2011 Nigerian-style? If you know my country, then you know what I mean. Nigerian-style means waiting till the very last minute before embarking on anything and expecting good results. Nigeria is the only country that expects to win the FIFA world cup with three weeks of preparations while other countries spend all of four years. Is the Federal Government waiting for the very last three months to the elections to give INEC money to up-grade the Voters Register so that they will display it two hours to voting time? When will INEC be given money to experiment and perfect the kind of voting system we will use come 2011? When will INEC be in a position to recruit and train the different grades and types of workers they will need to conduct the general elections? Are we going to depend on our Youth Corpers and Policemen with little or no training in electoral duties? I hate to think of what will happen in 2011.

The man I pity most is Professor Maurice Iwu. I don’t know how History will view him if this mighty project called Nigeria crashes on his head not because he is unable to do a good job, but because those at the helm of affairs are benefitting from the status quo so they won’t do anything to rock the boat.

Tata, everybody

Napoleon.

Deregulation

Whoever wrote this JavaScript snippet for the Federal Government of Nigeria is hereby nominated for the 2010 Nobel Peace Prize. He will do well to take over from President Barack Obama come 2010. This script is so efficient that for more than a decade the word “deregulation” has automatically popped up in Nigeria’s economic and social lexicon every last quarter of the year – the closer to Christmas the better! Just to make sure nobody gets a hassle-free yuletide. It is not funny.

Nigeria is reportedly the sixth largest Oil Producing OPEC-member country. Whatever that means does not translate to anything tangible in the lives of ordinary Nigerians. That is not the point. Out of the 14 OPEC member nations, no single country parades the dismal developmental credentials like my dear Nigeria. None of them has a life expectancy of 49 years. Reel out any of the indices and Nigeria fails with distinction! The result is that we are stuck in an economy that produces so much wealth but prefers to be listed as one of the poorest nations in the universe! I have seen paradoxes but this one takes the icing.

Those who advise the Federal Government to “remove” the fuel subsidy and let market forces dictate the prices of petroleum products in Nigeria have a warped sense of humour. This country has 4 Refineries capable of satisfying the product requirements of Nigeria. All 4 refineries are currently operating at less than 20% of installed capacity. Nobody thinks it will do this country a lot of good if these refineries are properly maintained and made to operate at optimum installed capacity. That way nobody will make money from product imports so we continue to import petroleum products at prices determined by the strength of the American Dollar. The so-called “subsidy” is computed based on what this price happens to be at any given time. It does not occur to these patriotic Nigerians that if our refineries were functioning, the pump price of our locally refined products would have been a tiny fraction of the international product price! Economics standing on its head.
Before the Petroleum Products Pricing Czar recommends another round of price increases to the Federal Government, could he please let Nigerians know the pump prices of Petroleum products in the other 13 or so Oil Producing countries who are members of OPEC? That way it will be easy to convince Nigerians that the Federal Government is subsidizing Petroleum Products and it will be necessary to remove that subsidy so that we can all sleep well.

Tata, everybody,

Napoleon

I am scared

Spectators like me watching from the stands are scared stiff. The current macabre dance playing itself out in Anambra State in the name of politics is bothering everybody except nobody. We all know that what Nigerians will do in 2011 will dwarf the Afghanistan experience to Lilliputian proportions but what is happening in Anambra State is scary!

In the last two weeks or so we have been fed with sordid details of what happened or did not happen in the Gubernatorial primaries which produced Professor Chukwuma Soludo, immediate past Governor of Central Bank of Nigeria as the ruling party’s flag bearer. We have been told stories of delegates being forced to pay huge sums of money only to be disenfranchised at the end. We have not been spared how contestants offered fellow contestants tonnes of money to withdraw from the race and give one of the contestants a soft landing. There was reportedly so much money flying around that the referee who was imported from another State in anticipation of what was to happen almost fainted when he was offered N500 million just to doctor a delegates list. I am scared.

As if all that is not bad enough, the reported kidnapping of the father of Professor Chukwuma Soludo last night by people who think they deserve a piece of the cake adds a new dimension to the multi-faceted monster. Chief Solomon Soludo was quietly minding his business when some people who think they could do some good business with the old man’s head, kidnapped him last night to an unknown destination. Smart kids. With all the money Professor Soludo was alleged to have exhibited during the primaries, who would not be tempted?

The Police in Anambra are reported to be investigating the matter and I know they will do a good job because the Nigeria Police can and does do a good job if and when they mean to do a good job – if you know what I mean. When this mess is finally over, could somebody please inform Professor Soludo that wherever he got that mountain of money from, as an Economics Professor, one expects him to know a better way of investing that money without attracting hoodlums to his old man. The way he is going about it, the only word I can find is obscene. He is not behaving like someone who went to school. Haba!

Tata, everybody

Napoleon

The Freedom of Information Bill

There are a lot of things I don’t understand. I believe that’s understandable because there is no way I am going to know everything. But when you don’t understand simple, very mundane things, then you must be stupid – and I guess I am stupid. That’s why I don’t understand all the fuss about the notorious Freedom of Information Bill now before the National Assembly. Members of the Journalism profession want the National Assembly to pass the Freedom of Information Bill so they can do their job. How preposterous! Even if by some warped magic, the bill gets passed into law and a Civil Servant refuses to divulge some incriminating information, what can you do? Go to court or call the Police? Those who have had any brush with hard-boiled civil servants know what I am talking about.

If there is any Journalist in Nigeria who thinks, in his ultimate naivety, that the passage of the Freedom of Information Bill is going to make his job any easier, he should see a shrinker today. What makes any Nigerian Journalist think that a Civil Servant who has diverted his Ministry’s overheads for the month into the completion of his private estate, is going to surrender such evidence to a journalist without a fight?

Come on folks! Be serious with your job. Do you need the Freedom of Information Bill to dig into the circumstances surrounding the allegation that a serving Minister spent more than N120million to celebrate his wedding anniversary while unions under his Ministry were on strike? Do you need the Freedom of Information Bill to uncover why and how a Civil Servant on grade level 04 with a take-home pay of less than N50,000 drives a Jeep to work and lives in his own N20million mansion? Do you need a Bill of whatever name to assist you ask a Gubernatorial aspirant who allegedly offered all other contestants N25million each to withdraw from the race and allow him a free ride what he has done in his life to make that kind of money short of being Governor of Central Bank?

Lets not kid ourselves, gentlemen of the press. The problem with Nigerian Journalism is not the absence of an enabling law but the overbearing presence of the power and influence of corruption. Show me one – yes one – journalist in this rotten country who can resist the offer of a Lincoln Continental plus ten million Naira to fuel the gas guzzler for one year in order to suppress a story or spin it on its head! You tell your wife the story and see if you will have a wife the next day.

Tata, everybody

Napoleon

Fighting corruption in Nigeria

Transparency International, the self-appointment corruption ombudsman of the world, must hear this. Their next annual Corruption Index Report must take into consideration what happened at the Ikeja High Court yesterday before they rate us 121 out of 180 corrupt countries in the world! Just when everyone thought we were in contention for the gold medal, these people rated us very close to the bottom of the ladder meaning there are 120 countries more corrupt than Nigeria! Idiots.

In what looked like a dream to most of his supporters, former Peoples Democratic Party Chieftain, Chief Olabode George was sentenced to a total of 28 years in jail without an option of fine. Sentenced along with him are former Nigerian Ports Authority Managing Director Aminu Dabo, Olusegun Abidoye, Abdulahi Aminu Tafida, Zanna Maidaribe and Sule Aliyu. They are to spend 2 years each on a 7-count charge and another 6 months each on a 28 count charge all to run concurrently. I am not too excited because I know my country enough to know that these people will appeal and I won’t be surprised to see Bode George in Sokoto next week doing what he knows how to do best. Whatever happens, the message has been delivered – very loud and clear!

Cynics like me who thought the war against corruption died with the exit of Ribadu have been proved wrong – very wrong! What has happened is that the weapons have changed with the introduction of Farida Waziri. Instead of the intimidation and using corruption agencies to settle political scores, justice is now being meted out in proper doses. I am not in a hurry to forget those good old days when criminals and people accused of offences/crimes preferred to be arrested by male policemen. Reason: You could easily compromise a male Police Officer but if a woman came to arrest you, you were in deep trouble. That was those days, we all thought. Once again we are wrong! Any day I have reason to be arrested, please send a man – you hear?

The conviction of Olabode George, former Deputy National Chairman (South) of the ruling PDP is the first big fish that has been properly caught in Nigeria’s anti-graft net. Others were arrested, announced and de-arrested pronto. Files of corrupt politicians (Governors) were created and de-created with such speed that the exact number of files could not be ascertained. Then, like everything Nigerian, the matter went to sleep and we can still hear the snoring several miles away!

Farida Waziri has given me reason to believe that the war against corruption is indeed still alive and someday the files of the 39 ex-Governors will be sent to Justice Olubimi Oyewole’s court for judicial consideration. I rest my case.

Tata, everybody

Napoleon

Retiring gracefully

Last week, Bayelsa State civil servants due retirement enjoyed, what can only be described as a rare intellectual feast. A 3-day pre-retirement workshop was organized by the State Government for Officers who are due retirement or retired recently. From all indications, it was a beautiful outing if comments from the participants is anything to go by as most attendees described the workshop as “very rich” in scope, content and presentation. Unfortunately that is where the good news stops.

The bad news is that the Bayelsa State Civil Service, under its present leadership, is notoriously irresponsible for record keeping. It is an open secret that records can be accessed by just anybody and changed at will, if you have a link to the top. A 50 year old Director can suddenly rejuvenate and become a 30 year old spinster at the drop of a hat if she makes the “right” moves. In that circumstance, it is generally well known that those retiring are civil servants who either have no connections, unwilling to spend money or worse still not in a position to pay in kind. It is disgraceful.

The foregoing explains why the Bayelsa State civil service parades a crop of Permanent Secretaries who were promoted 10 years ago, and still have another 5 years to serve as a Permanent Secretary before retirement. It is very embarrassing that when Permanent Secretaries meet at the national level, some of our Permanent Secretaries look like teenage girlfriends to Permanent Secretaries from other States. Nobody believes that any Permanent Secretary can be less than 55 years old no matter how and when you joined the Civil Service!
In the absence of credible records, let me give my unsolicited advice! The pre-retirement exercise should be an annual event for all categories of officers retiring that year. The following categories of Officers should be included in the list of retirees next year:

1. All Permanent Secretaries who have served a minimum of 5 years on that post. Reason: If you join the Civil Service with a 1st degree at age 25 as at Assistant Secretary; there is no way you will become a Permanent Secretary before you are 55. That is the way the service is structured. Anything short of that means you short-changed the system at some point and it is pay back time now. Retire!

2. As part of the on-going Biometrics exercise, all Civil Servants must produce their First School Leaving Certificates. Reason: You can pay anything to change any of your records but you cannot change your foundation certificate – the FSLC. Any Certificate that pre-dates 1960 means the owner should retire gracefully next year, the present records notwithstanding.

The present rate of unemployment is so alarming that unless drastic measures are taken people will not retire as and when due to enable youths coming behind join the Service as we did in our days. Enough of the goalpost shifting tactics!

Tata, everybody

Napoleon

Achieving the Millennium Development Goals in Nigeria

The Federal Government of Nigeria, under President Umaru Musa Ya’adua’s watch, finally admitted last week that Nigeria is not in a position to meet the Millennium Development Goals set for 2015! That did not come as a surprise because I have always admired President Yar’adua’s candour in whatever he does – or does not do!

There is this saying of the elders that if a tree falls across your road, the only way to pass along that road is to remove that tree. But if by the time you come to remove that tree, another tree has fallen on top of that tree, then you must remove the second tree in order to get to remove the first tree. Confused? Not to worry! At the time the Millennium Goals were set for all countries Nigeria’s numero uno problem was Poverty, Extreme Hunger and those problems that collectively make up the Millennium Development Goals. So we signed on to those goals. Just when we tried to figure out how to solve those problems another problem bigger than those problems fell on them pretty much like the proverbial second tree referred to above!

Unless you live in the moon, or just returned from a paid holiday there, you should know that Nigeria’s biggest problem today is corruption. Corruption is the second tree that has fallen on the first big tree and unless we fight corruption in this country, our score card in 2015 will not only fall short of the Millennium Development Goals but we would have retrogressed to a level where our indices in 2005 will be child’s play in comparison.

I don’t know about you, but I lived better in 2005 than today. If, in spite of all my efforts, I have fallen below the $1 dollar-a-day poverty line (would you believe it?) then I don’t know how many Nigerians live above that line? My level of poverty is not induced by laziness or lack of trying. It is caused by the fact that corruption in Nigeria has reached a level where some of those in custody of our resources now steal twenty out of every ten Naira they find leaving you to figure out how to deal with the deficit. If you cannot pay now, your children or grand children will pay.

So lets figure out a way to deal with corruption after which we can talk about Millennium Development Goals.

Tata, everybody

Napoleon

The American Suicide Bomber

It is conservatively estimated that there are some 800 billion creatures on earth. Out of this huge number, the 11 billion or so creatures belonging to the homo sapiens group are the most destructive and restive. See what we have done to our planet in the last fifty years. We have reduced it from what was once a peaceful and productive habitat to one of the most inhabitable places in the universe. The weather is no longer predictable in spite of the so-called advances in technology, the climate is no longer clement and storms of all speeds now bombard where and when they like. I believe they gleefully call it Climate change and think those of us in the third world are impressed!

As if that is not bad enough, it was reported that NASA, the American Suicide Bomber, went to the moon and bombed it two weeks ago. The report went on to say that the crater left behind is about the size of our planet. Given the relative size of the moon, that may appear a negligible dent on the surface of the moon. That’s not my worry. My worry is that the explanation for this suicide mission is reportedly in search of traces of water on the moon which would translate to the presence of another set of people on the moon. Do we have to destroy another planet in search of water? These Scientists think they know everything but suppose the bomb was powerful enough to bring down the moon on us? All of us here on earth would belong to a lost civilization pretty much like several civilizations we have lost in the distant past! Those who think they know enough about the universe should tell us "fools" how the planets are suspended or kept in place they way they are!

I concede that it may be useful to find out if there are other sets of people “somewhere out there”. Now, suppose there are “people” somewhere out there and they are more advanced technologically than those of us here on earth, as evidenced by the UFO’s we keep seeing, and they decide to avenge the bombing of their planet by sending their own contraption to “deal with these restive people”, just to teach us a few basic lessons in peaceful co-existence? I hate to think of what may happen.

Tata, everybody

Napoleon

Fighting Malaria in Africa

It is conservatively estimated that Nigeria alone loses about 100,000 souls to malaria every year. This figure does not include those who die without access to medical facilities or national records – like my kith and kin in the Niger Delta region of Nigeria. If there existed medical or statistical facilities in all our villages, the figure would have been at least three times as high. Not to worry, because we are comforted by these under-reported figures.

Alarming as these figures may be, the international community does not think there is enough reason to worry. After all, malaria is an African problem so nobody in the advanced world thinks it is a problem except that people like us think it is a bigger problem than HIV/AIDS! You will appreciate what I am driving at if you collate the African statistics of all malaria victims in all of Africa in the last five years. I am sure it is ten times more than the HIV/AIDS statistics in the whole world up till today and even beyond!

What do we get from the advanced world? Studied silence! When their conscience won’t let them sleep, they tell us to use insecticide-treated bed nets and keep our environments tidy! Who does not know that it would be a lot easier to develop an anti-malaria vaccine than HIV vaccine. We have been told that the HIV vaccine is difficult to develop because the virus mutates – yes changes – with time. Fortunately the malaria parasites do not mutate so what stops the world from developing an anti-malaria vaccine? Political will.

If the world devoted a tiny fraction of the resources pumped into fighting the HIV/AIDS problem to fight malaria, I am sure there will be more results to show. I am not saying it is not necessary to fight HIV/AIDS but all I am saying is the fight against malaria should be globalized. Malaria can be wiped out or at least brought under control with that kind of money and resources. Yes, I said so.

Tata, everybody.

Napoleon

Echoes from Afghanistan

It did not come as a surprise. After what looked like Guantanamo-style behind-the-scenes arm twisting, the President of Afghanistan, Hamid Kazai, has finally agreed to a run off between himself and his arch-rival, Abdula Abdula. It will be recalled that at the end of the elections, the opposition cried foul but nobody listened. Those who complained lost their jobs in the process.

The elections, which were fatally flawed from the beginning placed the American President, Barack Obama in a very awkward position. Faced with mounting pressure from Congress, President Obama is deep in the process of deciding whether or not to send more troops to Afghanistan. Most Americans, including Members of Congress, think there is no point sending more troops if the government of the day is not credible and reliable.

The lessons from Afghanistan are very loud and clear. If you want to dine with a King then you must wash your hands clean – very clean indeed! If America, the referee of liberal democracy in the world must come to your aid, then you must practice democracy their own way. The third world system of win at all costs is just not good enough. If you must win, please win clean!

The second lesson is that in acknowledging that the elections were fraudulent and therefore required a run off, Hamid Kazai noted that he was bowing to pressure in the interest of the people of Afghanistan. He knows that the flip side of the coin is ugly. Politicians and political leaders must always consider the interest of the people and place such interest above their own no matter what is at stake. This is a lesson third world leaders must learn sooner rather than later!

Tata, everybody

Napoleon

Democracy at work

Democracy, by whatever name or definition, is a beautiful exercise particularly if you are a spectator watching from the sidelines. The only time it is ugly is when you are a major player and your job (your only job) is on the line. I am of course, assuming in my usual naivety, that the major players allow it to be played according to the rules! We all know how this game is played here in Nigeria – head down and legs up – sometimes hanging from a ceiling fan at speed five!

The first time I listened to a live session of the Bayelsa State House of Assembly, was during the screening of Governor Timipre Sylva’s nominees for appointment to the State’s Executive Council. At the end of the session I gave the Assembly (and its leadership) a standing ovation except that I was driving so you can imagine what I did in the circumstance. What happened thereafter is, as they say, history.

Last Friday, I again listened to a recorded version of the Assembly’s proceedings. Even though I thoroughly enjoyed the session, I was more cautious this time, and as much as I was tempted to score the Assembly high, I reserved my comments till after “some time”, just to see if their authority is sacrosanct and sticks. What you don’t know, you don’t know! Some fools like me who watch these Honourable gentlemen from the sidelines will never understand why and how an Assembly of some of the best brains in the land cannot rise to the occasion when history comes calling.

How can a Chairman of a Local Government Council not know how many Traditional Rulers she has on her payroll? How can a Local Government Council Chairman not know how many communities are in the Local Government Area? How on earth would a Chairman of a Local Government Council tell the Honourable Members in full session, and by extension the entire Bayelsa State, that the Council receives, on the average about N45 million and pays a wage bill of N51 million monthly. How preposterous! The list of what she does not know is endless and it is easier to count what she knows than what she does not know!

My advice to the Honourable House of Assembly is that for every one Chairman of Brass Local Government Area, there are, at least fifty other political appointees who do not know how much they receive and how much they expend there from in every thirty day cycle. I believe those who know better call it oversight functions or something to that effect. The remaining Local Government Chairmen and all other political appointees should face the House in full session and tell us (them) what they know or do not know. It will be very healthy for our fledgling democracy.

Tata, everybody.

Napoleon

Who killed Dele Giwa?

Time, they say, heals all wounds. What nobody tells you is that there are exceptions. The gruesome murder of Dele Giwa via a parcel bomb long before mass murders via suicide bombing became popular, is one of such wounds. How can any sane mind forget what happened to Dele Giwa, no matter how long it takes?

Now that all those who may have been involved in the act have left the corridors of power, there is no better time to re-set the investigation button so that Nigerians will know the truth about what happened that morning while the young man was at his breakfast table.

In the name of late Chief Gani Fawehinmi, who promised to continue the fight even from his grave, the Federal Government of Nigeria should commence fresh investigations to unravel the mystery surrounding the gruesome murder of Dele Giwa. Chief Gani Fawehinmi, was, as they say, the last man standing, when it came to the fight for Dele Giwa. Now that he too is gone, the least the Federal Government can do for the family and friends Dele left behind is to tell Nigerians who killed Dele Giwa?

That is not to say the young man will resurrect, but it will make all the difference between a democracy and anything else in whatever name.

Tata, everybody.

Napoleon

A Country of gamblers?

When the GSM service providers came to our rescue at the height of the gross incompetence of NITEL, everybody thought we had arrived, at least with regards to telecommunications. For sometime everybody rejoiced. We stopped buying cables to replace bad portions of their infrastructure. We were no longer required to transport ladders for their labour staff whose duty it was to repair your phone line. The honeymoon appears to have ended.

I don’t know if these GSM service providers have heard the word “spam” before but the way my phone is being bombarded with gambling messages leaves much to be desired. In any 24 hour period, I receive a minimum of 5 or 6 messages from these service providers asking me to text something to somebody so as to win millions of Naira. My reply is very simple. I don’t gamble. Besides, if for any reason I want to gamble I’ll go to my Lebanese friend’s casino and burn money.

My problem is that the originators of these messages do not make room for any reply so I cannot contact them to give them a piece of my mind. My friend Ernest Ndukwe must hear this and come to our rescue. Any unsolicited email, phone call or any other means of contact is defined as “spam” and there is an international protocol regarding spam to which Nigeria is a signatory. Our GSM service providers, MTN, Glo, Zain etc must be made to abide by the provisions of Nigeria’s anti-spam policies.

It would appear gambling is now a legitimate business in Nigeria. You hardly find any ad on TV, Radio or Newspaper which gives me reasons why I should buy their product other than that I will suddenly become a millionaire! How absurd and ridiculous. That’s okay by me because they pay for these ads. In addition you have a choice whether or not to read or listen to them. But my phone is a different ball game. I do not seem to have any choice. Not all of us want to be millionaires for doing nothing. So for now, please keep off my phone! I don’t gamble.

Traditional Rulers in Exile

Bayelsa State has 24 government recognized First Class Traditional Stools, the highest per capita of such category of traditional rulers in the country. As at the last count over twenty of them are currently occupied.

In an ideal democratic setting, a First Class stool is the fourth tier of government, below the Local Government, the State Government and the Federal Government in that order. They are therefore supposed to function and be funded as such. What do we have in Bayelsa State?
Apart from the Pere of Kumbowei Kingdom, HRM Pere Jones Akadah, and a few others I can count on the fingers of my left hand, all first class traditional rulers live in exile in far flung places like Yenagoa (outside their domains), Port Harcourt and even Abuja. The last time I confronted one of them who happens to be a friend, he explained that his Kingdom was not safe for him so he lives in Yenagoa.

The job of a traditional ruler involves the maintenance of law and order, in addition to custody of the customs and traditions of the people. You do not need a fortune teller to know that you can not maintain law and order in the creeks of Bayelsa State if you live in Port Harcourt. How do you, for instance, prevent youths from kidnapping oil workers in your kingdom, if you live in Port Harcourt? The corollary therefore is that our Traditional rulers are responsible for the lack of peace in Bayelsa State because they all live in exile in other better developed states.

Since they cannot claim to be doing their jobs for which they are being paid, living in other states the way they do, the government of Bayelsa State should immediately suspend the payment of their salaries and stipends of those living and working outside their domains. The Rivers State government should, for instance, be able to pay the salaries of those of them living in Port Harcourt. The principle of “no work, no pay” is very appropriate in this instance.

Tata, everybody.

Napoleon

Agriculture in the Niger Delta

This post is specially dedicated to all those children in the Niger Delta region who went to bed last night without food. I understand because I walked through that road several decades ago. The pity is that they will never understand. How can a three year old toddler understand why, in the midst of apparent plenty, he had to go to bed with a growling stomach when his counterparts in other parts of the country (same country) had to pick and choose between fried rice and white rice for dinner.

There are a lot of things my old brain cannot understand but this one takes the icing. Why anybody should go hungry in Nigeria. What is the problem? Is it land? Is it the weather? Is it the soil? Is it drought? Sometimes I wonder whether the problem with Nigeria is not over-indulgence. God, in his infinite wisdom endowed Nigeria with so much that he crowned the project with abundance of bad leadership! For more than three decades now, Nigerian leaders have been farming and feeding the Nation on the pages of newspapers.

Now that we have an opportunity to do something reasonable with these youths (whatever you decide to call them), the Federal Government should come to the heart of the Niger Delta and set up an Agricultural Village. Bayelsa and Rivers States have the potential to supply enough fish to the whole of Nigeria and even beyond while Delta State can provide enough root crops to feed the whole of Africa. Everything is in place except the political will and sincerity of purpose. These youths can be converted to very productive Farmers to replace the ageing ones who need to retire!

Lets leave the politicking for a while and settle down to serious business. Nigeria can feed itself unless there is someone in Aso Rock who knows a few reasons why crops won’t grow in Delta State or fish will die in the waters of Bayelsa State.

Tata, everybody.

Napoleon

Rebranding Nigeria

Professor Dora Akinyuli is a very passionate woman who takes her job very seriously. Remember what she did to those scoundrels at Onitsha market even after a bullet intended for her skull mistook her head gear for her skull? Since she left that beat, I don’t even know the name of the person who took over from her. The rest, as they say, is now history. Now a full fledged cabinet rank Minister, Professor Dora Akinyuli recently embarked on a crusade to “rebrand” Nigeria. If I know my Nigeria well, then you can be sure that it must be costing the Nigerian taxpayer a fortune. I have no problem with rebranding or repainting Nigeria or whatever terminology she may find appropriate in the circumstance. What I don’t like is her approach to the problem.

If you ask my unsolicited opinion, my view is that Nigeria does not require any rebranding because we have no problem with our brand. I like the “Nigerianness” in me. I enjoy coming for an appointment 3 hours late just to prove that I am “important”. The problem with Nigeria is that the 140 or so million Nigerians collectively go about our business like two football teams playing without a referee! The result is that you can do whatever you like and nothing happens. The rules are there on paper but there is nobody to enforce them. That is why Nigeria is the only country in the world where anything can happen and nothing happens! Nigeria is the only country in the world where a serving Minister can allegedly spend N125 million to celebrate his marriage anniversary while workers under his charge are on strike and it is business as usual.

So the present concept of rebranding Nigeria on the pages of Newspapers and the electronic media is not doing Nigeria any good because the intended target audience is not even listening. If anything, they are merely amused. Any attempt to rebrand Nigeria must aim the fire extinguisher at the root of the fire to make any impact. Our problem here is that we have no policing policy. Apart from a few flashpoints here and there (like the recent case of the Governor of the Central Bank of Nigeria versus the billionaire debtors), nobody can touch you if you have loads of money in Nigeria. You can literally buy your way out of any problem. So our efforts at rebranding Nigeria must start with our law enforcement strategies. Nobody should be above the law. If a State Governor terrorizes his subjects with his convoy and thereby causes an accident, he should be arrested immediately and charged for executive recklessness! The laws of the land should be respected to the extent that if anybody, no matter how highly placed or how much money he has breaks the law, he should end up in prison!

Have you ever wondered why the same Nigerians who do whatever they like back here become very law abiding people when they travel to other countries? They know that in those countries, their money will not get them out of trouble if they commit an offence! Go and see Nigerians in Libya, South Africa, Cameroun, Germany and where else won’t you find us? They all obey the laws of the lands to the letter. Any infringement and they end up in prison. They know that no Policeman will receive money from them and allow them go as if nothing happened.
Now that Madam Minister knows where to start and concentrate her rebranding efforts, I am waiting for the day a Nigerian highly placed government official will willingly resign from office because of a disagreement or even a scandal. I will never forget Dr. Fiberesima of blessed memory. Better be late than never, they keep saying, so I am still waiting for Dr. Sam Egwu, Honourable Minister for Education to resign his appointment, if there is an iota of truth in the allegation that he spent N125 million celebrating his marriage anniversary while the education Ministry was, and is still on fire! He should attach a Bank Certified Cheque for that amount to his handover notes as a goodwill gesture.

That is the way great countries are built.

Tata, everybody.

Napoleon

THE NIGER DELTA DEBACLE (2)

You will recall that in my last post, I promised to highlight, in no special order, the problems of the Niger Delta region from the point of view of a son of the soil, as the saying goes. Today, I am starting with roads.

The last time I visited my village, I almost cursed the day my mother brought me into this world, without my permission, and to the Niger Delta of all the places in the world. I drove my car to point A, some 27 kilometres from the State capital Yenagoa; then boarded a canoe which ferried me to the other bank of the river from where I walked a 5 kilometre footpath in what I can only refer to as “mudcrete”. Where else, other than the Niger Delta region, do people travel this way?

The Bayelsa State Government has been struggling with the construction – or the planned construction – of 3 Senatorial Roads which, when completed will link the three Senatorial districts of the State to the State capital. Even the blind can see that this is a masterstroke of a developmental utopia! As and when completed, I may not have to go to my village the way I did last week. But the way things are going, you will have to be a Methuselah to see the completion of those roads not because the State Government is unwilling to complete them but because the resources are clearly no longer there to complete these projects.

For those who are not familiar with our terrain, Bayelsa State happens to be the only State out of 36 States where there isn’t a single inch of Federal Road except the East/West Road which passes through the State by default, sandwiched between Delta and Rivers States as we are.

In the circumstances, are we asking for too much, if we request the Federal Government to take over the construction of the 3 Senatorial roads from the overburdened shoulders of the Bayelsa State Government? The young man who means well for the State is currently being overwhelmed by the financial burden of the State to the extent that I can hear his groans one hundred miles away! Its not funny at all!

The least the Federal Government can do now is to include the construction of these roads in the 2010 Capital Estimates. We would want to believe that the Federal Government under President Umaru Musa Yar’Adua has the political will to confront the Niger Delta problem head on!

Tata, everybody.

Napoleon

THE NIGER DELTA DEBACLE

If you live in the Niger Delta like I do, then you would have noticed the eerie calm that now pervades the region. Giving the damage the struggle for the emancipation of the region has cost the Nigerian project in lost time and resources, the apparent cessation of hostilities is a welcome development.

The granting of amnesty to all was, to say the least, very magnanimous and thoughtful on the part of Mr. President. History will credit him with bringing Nigeria back from the tipping point.
Unfortunately, that is where the good news ends. The apparent good intentions of the Federal Government have been subsumed in the implementation. The talk now is how to “rehabilitate the militants” to the detriment of the solution to the Niger Delta problem. We have very conveniently forgotten what caused the problem in the first place: the deliberate underdevelopment of the Niger Delta region by project Nigeria.

I don’t know of other States, but I live in Yenagoa and I can speak for Bayelsa State. In the last 28 months of President Yar’Adua’s administration, I cannot remember any project that has been initiated by the Federal Government in Bayelsa State. Yes, a Ministry of the Niger Delta has been created, but we are now in the last quarter of the year and the silence from the Ministry is deafening. The last time Mr. President was here on a working visit, he promised to build the Federal Secretariat and we clapped for him as if he was doing us a favour promising, for the umpteenth time, to provide office accommodation for his staff in Yenagoa!

The last time Professor Tam David-West referred to the then Federal Government as “deaf and dumb”, I thought he was joking but now I know better. The Federal Government of Nigeria headed by Umaru Musa Yar’Adua is not deaf and dumb but appears to be a listening government. The problem with the Niger Delta region is the complete absence of infrastructural development – those things that make life bearable – not rehabilitation of “militants” which is a mere bye product of the main problem.

However, as any student of Mass Communications will tell you, making somebody understand what you want him to understand, not merely what he wants to understand is a tall order. It is quite possible that the Federal Government of Nigeria does not understand what the problem of the Niger Delta is, having been lost in the communications process. The message is quite simple: the people of the Niger Delta also want to drive cars to their villages and hamlets in whatever shape or form; they also want to drink cold water from their refrigerators; we want to differentiate between portable water and sewage; our children deserve to attend Higher Institutions located in the Niger Delta region; we would also like to abandon the present “suit-and-suit” structures on stilts and move into houses more befitting our status as the goose that lays the golden eggs!

In order not to take anything for granted, I am going to highlight the problems of the Niger Delta region, in my write-ups beginning from tomorrow in the hope that the message will get to its destination unadulterated! Please stay tuned.